26 January 2012

Spam & Skeeters

Spams Guys

Before Mosquitoes

After mosquitoes

I've always enjoyed descriptions of minutiae in damn near everything. From a history of manners in America in the early 17th century ( C. Dallett Hemphill's dense but amazing, Bowing to Necessities) to Thomas Wolfe's three page description of meeting Esther Jack on a NYC street in The Web and the Rock.

Consequently, I've tried to share details in stories that are interesting and, if possible, a little out of the box. Recently, I've been bombarded with spam like this:

Знакомства, общение, развлечения, секс, любовь, серьезные отношения и даже брак - все это вы найдете на нашем сайте интим знакомств. С помощью нашего сайта знакомств посетители могут создавать личные странички, которые позволяют максимально описать увлечения, привычки, характер и, конечно, внешность владельца, поскольку кроме текстового описания и фотографий пользователи могут добавлять аудио и даже видео материалы о себе и своих друзьях. Искать свою половинку с помощью шести видов поиска стало еще легче! У нас на сайте вы найдете: секс знакомства, свинг знакомства, свинг фото, свинг видео.

I once stood directly in front of two Russians in a custom's line as they conversed non-stop for almost two hours. It's not a romantic language and neither is that comment. This trickle of spam has turned into an onslaught not unlike the time I pulled my trousers down in a jungle.

On the advice of friend and quartermaster, Sgt. Macejko, I purchased, at my own expense, Cutter mosquito repellent. Macejko told me Army issue repellent - jungle juice as it was known - was useless in Panama, just pissed the mosquitoes off, and was only good for starting fires. But Cutter would do the job. Macejko advised frequent application of Cutter on exposed skin as well as clothing.

Today, the smell of Cutter flashes me back to a Panama of black palm, albino scorpions and mysterious trails of ants with pieces of leaves on their backs going God knows where. After a couple of days I was actually thinking there might not be any mosquitoes -- Until the night nature called and I went for a squat in the jungle. It's hard to describe the sensation of hundreds of mosquitoes attacking your butt - - except to say I didn't look for reading material.

I just wish there were a repellent like Cutter for spam. Until then, word verification is back on while I fight a new war with the Russians. Eezveeneete.


Oyster Guy said...

A mix of bacon grease and balsalm gum is good for the bugs but perogie eating OPFOR will smell you many klicks away...sorry.

tintin said...

Oyster- Great video. You're right about Opposing Forces although I was lucky in that OPFOR was usually ourselves. My old man had all kinds of cautions 'bout going on patrol in Vietnam and leaving the soap and smoking behind a few days 'fore he headed into the jungle.

brohammas said...

I think the use of details and descriptors depends completely on where the story is.
In yours, the story IS the details. For Hemingway, the story is the story and the details are distractions.

Anyone telling a tale about the rest rooms at the super bowl obviously missed the game.

Dallas said...

bro, no details in the below, right?

The Café des Amateurs was the cesspool of the rue Mouffetard, that wonderful narrow crowded market street which led into the Place Contrescarpe. The squat toilets of the old apartment houses, one by the side of the stairs on each floor with the two cleated cement shoe-shaped elevations on each side of the aperture so a locataire would not slip, emptied into cesspools which were emptied by pumping into horse-drawn tank wagons at night. In the summer time, with all windows open, we would hear the pumping and the odor was very strong. The tank wagons were painted brown and saffron color and in the moonlight when they worked the rue Cardinal Lemoine their wheeled, horse-drawn cylinders looked like Braque paintings. No one emptied the Café des Amateurs though, and its yellowed poster stating the terms and penalties of the law against public drunkenness was as flyblown and disregarded as its clients were constant and ill-smelling.

tintin said...

Bro- I think Dallas has you there. By the way, I could smell that passage.

Brohammas said...

May day may day!

Michael Rowe said...

Probably a stupid question, but are the last two shots you?

tintin said...

Hard to believe, but they are.

Michael Rowe said...


tintin said...

Michael Rowe- Awesome has been banned from the trad. Please use the general Army and Marine Corp term, Get-Some! instead. Thank you.