Tanks For The Memories, Murph!

They don't look like such bad guys...

The US Army's Unauthorized T-54

A sly and crafty enlisted man

Whoops!

It should come as no surprise to those who served as officers that enlisted men can get you in a lot of trouble - - Should you ask for it.

That's a Soviet T-54 up there. A complete P.O.S. (Piece of Shit) that was best maintained by just one tool - a B.F.H. (Big Fucking Hammer). It was against the Geneva Convention for NATO to train soldiers using Warsaw Pact Equipment and I suppose vice versa. Consequently, no one was supposed to know about all this equipment. That's an important detail to keep in mind.

Murphy and I attended a school where we learned to drive and operate Warsaw Pact weapons and armour. If you think this was a lot of fun...you would be correct. Throw is some amazing nights on M Street in Georgetown and the human car wash known as Crazy Horse and I was never so happy in my life. Never under estimate how much soldiers enjoy soldiering.

For a year or so things were good. We'd take the tank and weapons out to the field and play army against US troops. Murphy was good about keeping a igloo of iced beer in the tank and we were able to hook a cassette player to the intercom system of the tank. Our favorite tune was Al Caiola's version of, "The Magnificent Seven."



Sitting in a Soviet tank on a cold winter's night drinking cold beer in the warmth of the commie engine. Or, tearing ass across Sicily Drop Zone with a 14 foot rooster tail of sand being kicked out the rear while we listened to The Magnificent Seven through our crew helmets. It was too good to last.

Our hands off officer in charge (OIC) was replaced by a hands-on (Alpha Hotel) kinda guy. Our every move was questioned. Our judgements deemed inappropriate. Most importantly, our responsibility was taken from us. There was grumbling at the NCO club but not for long. As far as Murphy was concerned -- the time to act had come.

I was having a conversation last week about why I thought the army was such a good experience. It wasn't that I learned to shine boots or show up on time or tailor my fatigues. It was all about recognising leaders. They come in all shapes and sizes and they never look like John Wayne.

Our new leader micro managed to the point of distraction. You see this everywhere in the civilian world and even in families. People who would prefer their company (or family) stay broken so they can come to the rescue and fix it. The last thing they want are things to run smoothly without their involvement. So in addition to micro managing -- they intentionally cause fires that they can put out.

This tank was steered by pulling and pushing a lever, or steering lateral, that would lock the opposite track causing 30 tons of Ukrainian steel to turn in jerk like motions. Nothing was subtle about this vehicle and nothing was subtle about Murphy.

I'd rather not go into detail but suffice to say that the timing for the right steering lateral to fail could not have happened at a worse time... or place. On a road under the overpass of a civilian highway just after 1700 hours (5 PM ).

That a photographer from the local newspaper happened along was just more bad luck. Consequently, the B&W photograph above ran on the cover of the local newspaper the following morning and the cat, or tank, was outta the bag. And so was our officer.

As the enlisted man up there with the water hose and Coke was so fond of saying to any officer who would listen to him:

"Enlisted men are basically stupid. However, they are sly and crafty and bear watching at all times."