08 June 2010

Dear Mr. Lauren

Mr. Ralph Lauren
650 Madison Avenue,
New York, NY 10022

Dear Mr Lauren:

I know we've had our differences in the past. But I want you to know that I think you're the best greatest designer in the World. If not the Universe. You are a great man and my hero. I want to repay you for turning you into the Department of Defense and offer you these designs I created for another high end fashion designer.

I would have gone to you first because, as I said, you're the best, but look at it this way, I did most of the stealing here so you don't have to.

Up first is a cotton sweater perfect for walking on the beach in the Hamptons. I lived there so I should know. Although, there was only one Hampton when I lived there. Maybe they changed the name of Newport News to Hampton so it sounds better. I don't know.

This was my cool idea that kicked it all off. The British people call this a Brolly and while I don't know why, I think it sounds cool. Just like you, I think most British things are cool. It would make a nice golf umbrella for Purple Label. Or, you can call it, "Green, Red, Yellow and Black Label."

This is a broadcloth shirt guys can wear untucked because, as you know too well, untucked is cool. The pant is a white cotton chino and I'm illustrating how I would do the back trouser pockets. Actually, that's how Julian's in Chapel Hill does back pockets but as I mentioned...I'll do the stealing for you.

I added a description here in my own writing. I think my hand writing is designer-ish. Is that a word? It is now. Ha- Ha. I have many more but thought this small sample would wet your appetite. These are just for you and they're free. Go ahead. Take them. And you can even steal my, "Green, Red, Yellow and Black Label" idea. All you have to do is hire me.

I have lots of ideas. And fashion magazines from many years ago. Some of them are from Europe so nobody alive or in America has ever seen them. Wink - Wink. I can start right away. We would, of course, have to work out some sort of agreement. I'm open to a salary but do require the following:

Clothing Allowance: Anna Wintour gets $200,000 a year. I could get by on just $50,000. That's 'cause I'd buy most of your clothes at my favorite Polo outlet in Orlando. You're like - just giving away Purple Label down there.

Company Discount: What is it? 50%, 70% or 90%? And can I get a bigger discount on my own line? I'd like to do that umbrella in patched sail nylon and hoo - baby, that's gonna be some big bucks. I really should be able to get one free.

Lunch: Do you pay for lunch or do I have to bring it?

Transportation: Again, I mention Anna here because she gets a Mercedes S class and I'm willing to settle for a Lincoln Town car. I think it's much more American - don't you?

Fit Model: Can I have one of those girls from the Rugby ads? I already have my own form that I would use for designing men's stuff but one of those Rugby girls would be really cool for my inspiration.

Well, that's the important stuff out of the way. I'm not so big on the Medical and the 401k stuff. Besides, if you pick up lunch I should be able to save tons of money. I know I threw a lot at you but give it some thought and feel free to call me day or night. Ralph Lauren Rules! (RLR! Another cool logo?)

The Trad


Mr Brown said...

A Strong Letter.


So strong in fact it wouldn't be unreasonable to not wait for a reply.

You're in.

It's now all about SS11.

La Maison Fou said...

Great letter;

I would hold out for a vacation spot near the Cape, or possibly a week or two in the mountains.

The lodge look is also as equally intoxicating.

Nice renderings,


Chris said...

Now is a perfect time to ask. Ralph just won the Popular Vote designer of the year at the CFDA awards last night. He should be on high horses, or one would think - if he had shown up to accept the award.

Hell Doutzen Kroes even presented it. I wish I had known he was going to no show, I would have offered to get that peck on the cheek!

longwing said...

misterman better watch his back

L.A.S said...

When you make it big don't forget to share the Rugby broads.

Simon said...

Oh dear. Looks like the Hudson's Bay Company has already stolen yours/Mr. Lauren's idea, and is telling people they've been making blankets with it for over 200 years!

M.Lane said...

Very nice drawings! I almost fell over at the "only one Hampton" comment. Great post. Just remember all of us once you are on the inside.

Oh, and I ran this by legal. You should hold out for a company paid flat somewhere in the East 60s. Not too far from 60th.


David V said...

Come on! You don't need Ralphie.
If every third men's wear/lifestyle blogger can start his own line why not you!

jeremy said...

another reason why this my favorite blog

LPC said...

In a terrifying development, I actually like these looks. Have my decades in California taught me nothing?!? I would buy that sweater in the smallest men's size, and wear it over my bathing suit, in a dream of looking somehow French and like I knew what life was all about.

The world may be coming to an end.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha. I also like to say that I'm from the Hamptons (Hampton, VA). Were you stationed at Fort Monroe? I grew up around the corner near the Hampton Yacht Club.


Anonymous said...

Its WHET your appetite, not WET.

I'm sure Mr. Lauren will appreciate proper spelling.

Paul said...

I had no idea you could draw! Remarkable! Great designs (stolen or not). You should have a call from Ralphie by sundown today - or letter by personal messenger - I would think.


skorpeo said...

excellent! i'm sure your phone is mostly likely ringing already with a job offer! just be sure not to forget about us little people...!

insofar as "the hamptons", i think newport news had no choice to change to hampton, because "the newport newses" would just sound stupid.

DAM said...

Pretty awesome and the drawing's aren't half bad either.

The Red Velvet Shoe said...

I say hire a bunch of us and start your own label~~I'll be the coffee girl.


brohammas said...

How do you keep such good diction with your tounge way over to the side like that?

Did Ralph get those rugby girls before or after he tried to sue USA Rugby (the natl. sport organization) to get them to stop using the word "rugby" as it is his? Now that he owns the sport I need a new jersey in size "prop". Can you help me out?

tintin said...

Mr Brown- I'm out.

L- Perhaps somewhere on the Hudson Bay.

Chris- Wonder what happened to my invite?

LWing- Did you see that Range Rover behind his back? No worries about moi.

LAS- I wouldn't know where to start. I'd need instructions for those girls.

Simon- HBC stands for "Here Before Christ" so they may have the jump on us.

M Lane- That's an interesting neighborhood.

David V- I'm talking to some hedge fund guys tomorrow.

jeremy- Sure.

LPC- Nice. I'm gonna rip you off. See? I'm learning the business already.

Hilton- Trad Dad was at Monroe. I was assigned to Kecoughtan HS.

Anon- Shit, I hate when that happens. I've actually used a whet stone. Where was my head!

Paul- I minored in Graphic Design in college. Or I tried to.

skorp- Norfucks?

DAM - We don't use the word awesome here. But thanks. You can say, "Trad Rules!"

Red- I have the attention span of a wire fox terrior on a extra shot Americano. I don't think it's in the cards but I take mine black.

bro- I can't get into any snarky stuff about the boss. But what's a prop?

LPC said...

I believe in these circumstances we would call it "being a muse," rather than "ripping me off," and therefore I do not mind.

Anonymous said...

I lived in Willow Oaks and attended Kecoughtan for a short while! What year(s) were you assigned?


Giuseppe said...

I know. I know, you old guys all hate Ralphie...and I even understand why, for real. But...

Don't forget that he is in a very large way responsible for the fact that any guy from my generation knows about, or cares to wear, any real clothing at all...sort of a 'gateway drug', if you will.

As for designers who make un-Godly scratch for the job of creative stealing: disgusting to be sure. But that's America for you. We pay for a collective vicarious lifestyle, delivered by way of media, by way of 'made in China', etc.

Then again, I'm not about to stop following baseball, either.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, start your own label...these are great!


Michael Carper said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
brohammas said...

Tintin, you are fine fellow, but anyone who does not know what a prop is must never utter the word rugby again.

A prop is the finest creature to walk the face of the earth. A creature who most likely sprung from the earth, never got very far from it, and pleasures himself by burying opposing players in it.

SOme call it a beer belly, others a spare tire. We who are wise call it our prop engine.

Cathleen said...

How about rlroolz?

Thornproof said...

Why an American car? You should really be holding out for something truly British ... like a vintage Jag or maybe a Rolls.