Three Gin Stories

Martini's are like women's breasts -- One's not enough and three's too many

I jacked up the brightness in Photo Shop with the Beefeater because that's what it taste like. Bright, like walking out of a movie theatre at high noon. There's a tingling in the mouth and lips and it almost takes your breath away. Soon after tingles, a smooth and long finish kicks in. It was the gin of my father and his father. It's probably in my Y chromosome.

Not the greatest for a G&T or Negroni. I think there's too much backbone -- almost heat. What it's good for is a serious, no bullshit, man up-up Martini. Skip the vermouth. Shaken until the stainless steel frosts over and sticks to your hand. That's why you never order this in a bar.Most state's Worker's Compensation laws prohibit bartenders from shaking a Martini more than five seconds.

Make this at home and risk the frost bite. I'm sure you can do without a finger or two. Rub lemon rind around the edge of the glass for a pleasant glass to mouth experience. I use olives or onions. Full Disclosure: I paid $21 for a 750 ml bottle. No one from Beefeater has ever contacted me.


Guy goes into his local bar- "Hey, Ralph. Give me 10 Martinis and make it fast." Ralph pours the Martinis and the guy drinks 'em in less than a minute. "Give me 10 more." Ralph arches an eyebrow, "Say, you celebrating something?" "Yeah," the guys says. "My first blow job." "Hey! Maybe I know the girl?" says Ralph. "Nope," the guy says. "I'm trying to get the taste outta my mouth."
Cue rimshot.

Caorunn is a small batch gin cooked up in a single malt distillery in Scotland. The Scots never miss a trick to make a buck -- or, a pound. Making gin is not that difficult. That's why it was the preferred spirit to make in a bathtub during Prohibition. Gin is on a world wide tear right now and whenever something old is new again, strange things happen.

Taking the heart out of something usually comes first. That's because most folk can't handle the original. Which is why it went out of favor in the first place. Bowties, work boots, unfused collars, stick shifts and gin. They've all been diluted. Caorunn (ka-roon) is soft and alone is far more complex than Beefeater. "Six traditional and five Celtic botanicals are hand infused by our Gin Master." Never underestimate a Scotsman in marketing.

That's not to say this stuff doesn't belong in your bar or freezer. It's perfect for the fella who comes over in work boots and a bow tie. It'll also suit your wife or girlfriend who's put off by the bright slap that's Beefeater. I like it cold but not shaken. Which explains the freezer.

You don't want the water from shaken ice to dilute the nuance you get when you drink this. So, like a single malt, you drink it neat but ice cold. A slice of apple is recommended as a garnish but you really don't need it less you get the attention of the guy in the work boots and bow tie.

Caorunn has a contest for bartenders who can create a cocktail and a story using their gin. Go here for details. Full Disclosure: Gifted a 750 ml bottle of Gin.


Martin Miller's Gin

Martin Miller is the kind of certifiable (I mean that in a good way) Brit you meet and never forget. A crazy Brit friend told me in a bar, "I'm not a homosexual -- but I once slept with a man who was." These guys love to shock and the more PC you are the better. There's a shocking rumor going around that Miller's Gin was created one drunken night by two guys who mixed the remains of gin and vodka. I have no idea.

Miller's claim to fame is the Icelandic water. Which, by the way, has a, 'hand infused -Gin Master' ring to it but I admit, it's very soft. That cucumber-water softness that I find addictive in Summer but a pain to make. I didn't like Martin's Gin as Martini nor did I like it as G&T. Too soft for me. 'Big Girl's Blouse' to paraphrase London's term for 'panty waist.' I did enjoy it as a punch.

The Punch

The secret to the punch

Amazingly refreshing and very dangerous since they go down faster than Amanda Logue. Reminded me of all good things British. Pimm's Cup, side bacon sandwiches, Stone's Green Ginger and all those certifiable crazies.

Full Disclosure: Gifted two Nips, Cocktail Recipe book & a very nice party